Tuesday, September 28, 2004
premature pessimism?
i'm 21 years old.
but i feel so old.
i still remember the qualms of turning 20 a few months after my college graduation.
leaving the comfort zones of student life and suddenly being labeled as "unemployed" were just enough to overwhelm my then-troubled young adult spirit.
at first, i felt all so relieved. right after the last oral exam for college, i was shouting in joy
that school was over for me.
no more classes to attend to.
no more teachers to listen to. (and sometimes hate.)
no more grueling submissions of essays, projects, and problem sets.
no more piles of assigned readings.
no more late-night crammings and last-minute reviews.
no more oral exams to dread.
no more long exams to answer.
but it was a pseudo-liberating moment. just when i thought i was free from the burdens of student life, it dawned on me that i was then up to embrace the life of being a careerperson.
most people would classsify young 20's to be an extension of their adolescence.
some people say that with age comes wisdom.
maybe i'm still unripe for true wisdom.
(to be continued)
*****
THE GREATEST PIECES OF ADVICE
Don't date because you are desperate.
Don't marry because you are miserable.
Don't have kids because you think your genes are superior.
Don't philander because you think you are irresistible.
Don't associate with people you can't trust.
Don't cheat. Don't lie. Don't pretend.
Don't dictate because you are smarter.
Don't demand because you are stronger.
Don't sleep around because you think you are old enough and know better.
Don't hurt your kids because loving them is harder.
Don't sell yourself, your family, or your ideals.
Don't stagnate.
Don't regress.
Don't live in the past. Time can't bring anything or anyone back.
Don't put your life on hold for possibly Mr/Mrs Right.
Don't throw your life away on absolutely Mr. Wrong because your biological clock is ticking.
Learn a new skill.
Find a new friend.
Start a new career.
Sometimes, there is no race to be won. Only a price to be paid for some of life's more hasty decisions.
To terminate your loneliness, reach out to the homeless.
To feed your nurturing instincts, care for the needy.
To fulfill your parenting fantasies, get a puppy. (or a cat! )
Don't bring another life into this world for all the wrong reasons.
To make yourself happy, pursue your passions and be the best of what you can be.
Simplify your life. Take away the clutter.
Get rid of destructive elements: abusive friends, nasty habits, and dangerous liaisons.
Don't abandon your responsibilities but don't overdose on duty.
Don't live life recklessly without thought and feeling for your family.
Be true to yourself.
Don't commit when you are not ready.
Don't keep others waiting needlessly.
Go on that trip. Don't postpone it.
Say those words. Don't let the moment pass.
Do what you have to, even at society's scorn.
Write poetry.
Love Deeply.
Walk barefoot.
Dance with wild abandon.
Cry at the movies.
Take care of yourself.
Don't wait for someone to take care of you.
You light up your life.
You drive yourself to your destination.
No one completes you - except YOU.
It is true that life does not get easier with age. It only gets more challenging.
Don't be afraid. Don't lose your capacity to love.
Pursue your passions.
Live your dreams.
Don't lose faith in your God.
Don't grow old. Just grow YOU!
Create your own life.
Then go out and live it without regrets.
but i feel so old.
i still remember the qualms of turning 20 a few months after my college graduation.
leaving the comfort zones of student life and suddenly being labeled as "unemployed" were just enough to overwhelm my then-troubled young adult spirit.
at first, i felt all so relieved. right after the last oral exam for college, i was shouting in joy
that school was over for me.
no more classes to attend to.
no more teachers to listen to. (and sometimes hate.)
no more grueling submissions of essays, projects, and problem sets.
no more piles of assigned readings.
no more late-night crammings and last-minute reviews.
no more oral exams to dread.
no more long exams to answer.
but it was a pseudo-liberating moment. just when i thought i was free from the burdens of student life, it dawned on me that i was then up to embrace the life of being a careerperson.
most people would classsify young 20's to be an extension of their adolescence.
some people say that with age comes wisdom.
maybe i'm still unripe for true wisdom.
(to be continued)
*****
THE GREATEST PIECES OF ADVICE
Don't date because you are desperate.
Don't marry because you are miserable.
Don't have kids because you think your genes are superior.
Don't philander because you think you are irresistible.
Don't associate with people you can't trust.
Don't cheat. Don't lie. Don't pretend.
Don't dictate because you are smarter.
Don't demand because you are stronger.
Don't sleep around because you think you are old enough and know better.
Don't hurt your kids because loving them is harder.
Don't sell yourself, your family, or your ideals.
Don't stagnate.
Don't regress.
Don't live in the past. Time can't bring anything or anyone back.
Don't put your life on hold for possibly Mr/Mrs Right.
Don't throw your life away on absolutely Mr. Wrong because your biological clock is ticking.
Learn a new skill.
Find a new friend.
Start a new career.
Sometimes, there is no race to be won. Only a price to be paid for some of life's more hasty decisions.
To terminate your loneliness, reach out to the homeless.
To feed your nurturing instincts, care for the needy.
To fulfill your parenting fantasies, get a puppy. (or a cat! )
Don't bring another life into this world for all the wrong reasons.
To make yourself happy, pursue your passions and be the best of what you can be.
Simplify your life. Take away the clutter.
Get rid of destructive elements: abusive friends, nasty habits, and dangerous liaisons.
Don't abandon your responsibilities but don't overdose on duty.
Don't live life recklessly without thought and feeling for your family.
Be true to yourself.
Don't commit when you are not ready.
Don't keep others waiting needlessly.
Go on that trip. Don't postpone it.
Say those words. Don't let the moment pass.
Do what you have to, even at society's scorn.
Write poetry.
Love Deeply.
Walk barefoot.
Dance with wild abandon.
Cry at the movies.
Take care of yourself.
Don't wait for someone to take care of you.
You light up your life.
You drive yourself to your destination.
No one completes you - except YOU.
It is true that life does not get easier with age. It only gets more challenging.
Don't be afraid. Don't lose your capacity to love.
Pursue your passions.
Live your dreams.
Don't lose faith in your God.
Don't grow old. Just grow YOU!
Create your own life.
Then go out and live it without regrets.
Monday, September 27, 2004
soaring high
as i was browsing through the different fora in www.pinoyexchange.com, i stumbled upon an seemingly interesting thread under the Music & Radio category.
the discussion was about who among the international (and local) artists have the highest voices.
several picks were mariah carey, celine dion, nina, sheryn regis, and regine velasquez. (the latter three are 3 of the hottest local Philippine artists.)
at first the discussion was factual and civil. but as a lot of fanatics and loyalists came in, the thread turned into a venue of incessant mudslinging, lambasting, and false accusations - typical of any exchanges which deviated from the topic at hand. (they even went to who is the best selling female artists of all time...)
i am a music junkie. but i am not trained and knowledgeable about the rudiments of musical technicalities.
And so after reading through some of the sensible posts, i visited a linked site about voice & vocal qualities: http://www.freehostz.com/notes_and_octaves/.
after reading the articles about the featured artists and downloading some of available clips that showcases their ranges, i just couldn't help but admire these songbirds.
fantabulous voices.
(for revision)
the discussion was about who among the international (and local) artists have the highest voices.
several picks were mariah carey, celine dion, nina, sheryn regis, and regine velasquez. (the latter three are 3 of the hottest local Philippine artists.)
at first the discussion was factual and civil. but as a lot of fanatics and loyalists came in, the thread turned into a venue of incessant mudslinging, lambasting, and false accusations - typical of any exchanges which deviated from the topic at hand. (they even went to who is the best selling female artists of all time...)
i am a music junkie. but i am not trained and knowledgeable about the rudiments of musical technicalities.
And so after reading through some of the sensible posts, i visited a linked site about voice & vocal qualities: http://www.freehostz.com/notes_and_octaves/.
after reading the articles about the featured artists and downloading some of available clips that showcases their ranges, i just couldn't help but admire these songbirds.
fantabulous voices.
(for revision)
Friday, September 24, 2004
stuck
today is one of my most embarrasing moments ever.
my officemate and i went to mcdonald's to buy lunch take-outs.
since i was the first one to get my orders, i just waited for her outside and decided to sit on a concrete ledge.
after 5 minutes or so, she had taken her orders and we're off to go.
but just as i stood up, i felt something on my butt.
holy cow. it was GUM!
stuck on my ass.
on our way back to the office, i was trying to remove the gum.
who the heck is so inconsiderate not to properly dispose their munched bubble gums!
if this happened to me in singapore, i could have the culprit pay for his life.
darn it. my day's ruined. and so are my pants.
22 floors up and back to our workplace, i had managed to pinch off tiny bits of it, especially the middle part.
but a circular mark stayed on my pants .
whoa. what a senseless souvenir, i thought.
but hello halo! went to hello crush! as i walked in at Jo together with a couple of teammates eating lunch in our room!
as always, jo's presence was enough to uplift the mood of my shitty day: my eternal sunshine.
i reached my cubicle with a smile on my face and my mind off the gum.
before i sat for lunch, i put some paper towels on my chair so as not to spread the gum to my cushion.
then i ate my 1-piece chicken McDo meal. after a short while, i stood up to get drinks from the pantry.
as i entered the pantry, i heard Jo and the teammates laughing so loud.
maybe they're just talking about something so incredibly funny.
after getting a cup of orange juice from the dispenser, i headed back to my place.
but one of Jo's teammates came to me and said:
Hey, you've got some napkins stuck on your butt.
O SHIT!
it was the nightmare everyone dreaded - being seen at an awkward situation by your crush.
i would've have wanted to cover my face and just run away.
i couldn't endure the emabarrassment.
not in front of jo.
i froze up. i couldn't move.
but fortunately, in a split-second, the jester side of me took over.
i uttered wittingly, "that's why you guys were laughing your heads off!"
and i removed the tissue paper and also burst in laughter.
whoo. good move. humor as defensive mechanism.
as i got back to my cubicle, i could still feel the embarrassment lingering.
i picked out a couple of ice cubes and hurried to the restrooms.
i took off my pants and applied ice on the gum halo.
i sat on the toilet seat cover and waited in silence.
a few minutes after, the gum was still there.
it's now official - the gum is stuck forever.
this circle would now be the senseless souvenir of this pathetic day.
a haunting memento of that haunting embarrassment.
it was the last time that jo actually ate in our room.
their room's pantry is all fixed up the next day and that's where Jo's team eats now.
but i bet, that image of me would be stuck forever in Jo's head.
i'm the loser who got a tissue paper stuck to his ass.
i'm now a perpetual walking joke to Jo.
a hilarious memory for Jo.
a catastrophe for me.
sigh.
and that's where i just have to end the madness, i guess.
gum = goodbye Jo.
i think it's better left at that.
my officemate and i went to mcdonald's to buy lunch take-outs.
since i was the first one to get my orders, i just waited for her outside and decided to sit on a concrete ledge.
after 5 minutes or so, she had taken her orders and we're off to go.
but just as i stood up, i felt something on my butt.
holy cow. it was GUM!
stuck on my ass.
on our way back to the office, i was trying to remove the gum.
who the heck is so inconsiderate not to properly dispose their munched bubble gums!
if this happened to me in singapore, i could have the culprit pay for his life.
darn it. my day's ruined. and so are my pants.
22 floors up and back to our workplace, i had managed to pinch off tiny bits of it, especially the middle part.
but a circular mark stayed on my pants .
whoa. what a senseless souvenir, i thought.
but hello halo! went to hello crush! as i walked in at Jo together with a couple of teammates eating lunch in our room!
as always, jo's presence was enough to uplift the mood of my shitty day: my eternal sunshine.
i reached my cubicle with a smile on my face and my mind off the gum.
before i sat for lunch, i put some paper towels on my chair so as not to spread the gum to my cushion.
then i ate my 1-piece chicken McDo meal. after a short while, i stood up to get drinks from the pantry.
as i entered the pantry, i heard Jo and the teammates laughing so loud.
maybe they're just talking about something so incredibly funny.
after getting a cup of orange juice from the dispenser, i headed back to my place.
but one of Jo's teammates came to me and said:
Hey, you've got some napkins stuck on your butt.
O SHIT!
it was the nightmare everyone dreaded - being seen at an awkward situation by your crush.
i would've have wanted to cover my face and just run away.
i couldn't endure the emabarrassment.
not in front of jo.
i froze up. i couldn't move.
but fortunately, in a split-second, the jester side of me took over.
i uttered wittingly, "that's why you guys were laughing your heads off!"
and i removed the tissue paper and also burst in laughter.
whoo. good move. humor as defensive mechanism.
as i got back to my cubicle, i could still feel the embarrassment lingering.
i picked out a couple of ice cubes and hurried to the restrooms.
i took off my pants and applied ice on the gum halo.
i sat on the toilet seat cover and waited in silence.
a few minutes after, the gum was still there.
it's now official - the gum is stuck forever.
this circle would now be the senseless souvenir of this pathetic day.
a haunting memento of that haunting embarrassment.
it was the last time that jo actually ate in our room.
their room's pantry is all fixed up the next day and that's where Jo's team eats now.
but i bet, that image of me would be stuck forever in Jo's head.
i'm the loser who got a tissue paper stuck to his ass.
i'm now a perpetual walking joke to Jo.
a hilarious memory for Jo.
a catastrophe for me.
sigh.
and that's where i just have to end the madness, i guess.
gum = goodbye Jo.
i think it's better left at that.
Thursday, September 23, 2004
happy days are here again
it is happy day for me.
here are the reasons.
1. one, i've got my phone back from the Nokia repair shop. and i can send MMS now!
i received a text at around 10 a.m. saying i could now pick up my beloved cellular phone.
i didn't expect it to have my Nokia 6600 back in less than 24 hours since they told me yesterday that i could only follow up on my job request Friday (which is tomorrow).
2. i was able to finish and polish a previous blog entry. i retitled "single" to "of vows and hope."
please read it.
3. i saw jo** (my eternal office crush) today, during lunchtime and the despedida merienda we had for a project mate .
inexplicably, jo's presence is just enough to brighten up my day.
coincidence perhaps, but jo's also wearing white today.
4. one thing, the german anonymizer i use to access friendster is now working again.
i was able to read my messages, update my profiles and upload new pics...
5. and the thing that made my day... jo's friendster profile read SINGLE!
i just couldn't believe my eyes when i saw jo's status. just a week ago, jo was "in a relationship."
but surprise of all surprises, in just a few days, Jo's all available again.
now, that just got me thinking. maybe he's all heartbroken these days.
sigh.
or maybe it was a faux relationship in the first place... uhmmm...
*****
i'm having my hair cut later. i initally wanted to grow my hair and have it layered.
but i've changed my mind. it would look so unprofessional of me to sport a rockstar's mane.
i guess, i'd just stick to having a clean cut. with a stylish twist.
let's see.
*****
well, sorry again for yet another trivial entry. i just needed to share with you my happy day.
till the next blog entry. ciao.
here are the reasons.
1. one, i've got my phone back from the Nokia repair shop. and i can send MMS now!
i received a text at around 10 a.m. saying i could now pick up my beloved cellular phone.
i didn't expect it to have my Nokia 6600 back in less than 24 hours since they told me yesterday that i could only follow up on my job request Friday (which is tomorrow).
2. i was able to finish and polish a previous blog entry. i retitled "single" to "of vows and hope."
please read it.
3. i saw jo** (my eternal office crush) today, during lunchtime and the despedida merienda we had for a project mate .
inexplicably, jo's presence is just enough to brighten up my day.
coincidence perhaps, but jo's also wearing white today.
4. one thing, the german anonymizer i use to access friendster is now working again.
i was able to read my messages, update my profiles and upload new pics...
5. and the thing that made my day... jo's friendster profile read SINGLE!
i just couldn't believe my eyes when i saw jo's status. just a week ago, jo was "in a relationship."
but surprise of all surprises, in just a few days, Jo's all available again.
now, that just got me thinking. maybe he's all heartbroken these days.
sigh.
or maybe it was a faux relationship in the first place... uhmmm...
*****
i'm having my hair cut later. i initally wanted to grow my hair and have it layered.
but i've changed my mind. it would look so unprofessional of me to sport a rockstar's mane.
i guess, i'd just stick to having a clean cut. with a stylish twist.
let's see.
*****
well, sorry again for yet another trivial entry. i just needed to share with you my happy day.
till the next blog entry. ciao.
Wednesday, September 22, 2004
non-extraordinary
today i won't write something mind-blowing or pseudo-profound.
i'll just blog recollections of certain petty stuff that happened to me for the past few days.
*****
yesterday, as i was not doing anything at the office, i logged in to Pinoy Exchange and bumped into a seemingly non-sense thread about funny maid stories.
somebody posted a link to a blog -- apparently of a maid. my inquisitive side took over and checked out the site: http://chona.blogspot.com .
what i didn't foresee was i was up for an afternoon of stomach-aching good laugh.
it's a ridiculous journal! it's actually full of maid archetypal characteristics -- wrong grammar, idiotic adventures, superficial discoveries.
nah, i won't spoil it for you. just visit chona's site.
i finally had my phone checked at a Nokia care center near the office. i've been having problems with multimedia messaging for the past days. (my phone's Nokia 6600 by the way.) whenever i choose to create a new MMS, a composer page does not prompt!
the representative who attended to me said that my phone would need to have software reformatting!
and that means everything stored in my phone's memory would be wiped out!
well, all my pictures and audio files are saved in my memory card, but not my messages and my contacts!!
now, i'm just so pissed off. the phone's been with me for only 3 weeks yet, and this glitch has happened already!
(pardon the excessive use of exclamation marks...)
i just hope i wouldn't be having similar problems anymore in the future.
so today, i've finally decided to have myphone fixed.
i was able to copy my contacts list to my SIM last night, but my messages -- hopeless.
so goodbye my dear cutesy sentimental messages!
sigh.
last weekend, i was an examiner for the entrance test in my college university.
it was fun seeing my friends again, especially those i've never seen for quite some time now.
plus, i got more money to pay for my credit card.
i spotted one local teen star taking the test! Julie Ann Lee. Pretty, yeah. but not stunning.
i also bought my sister a new phone yesterday. a nokia 6600. just like mine.
she's been like bugging me for the past days to buy her a new phone (via charging it to my credit card).
i've been to a couple of Globe service centers and Hub stores, but the models that I'm interested are always out-of-stock.
but i went to a Globe center yesterday, there's one remaining stock of a Nokia 6600.
so i immediately called her up to ask if she'd like me to purchase it for her.
since she promised to pay for it (and she just discharged from the hospital anyway), i decided to grant her wish.
when i went home, her face just lit up when she saw her new phone -- a happy scene.
*****
forgive me for this seemingly crappy entry.
lately, my days seem to be quite boring. my hours just revolve around work and home. i rarely go out with friends for the past weeks.
that's why i can't write of any adventures i've been engaging in recently.
i've also drafted a lot of blog materials for posting but somehow, I just couldn't get myself to finish them.
Somtimes, i couldn't fully express what I'd essentially want to convey; that's why i opt not to publish my posts yet.
but most of the times, i'm having those laziness attacks again...
i promise to write something more substantial next time.
i swear.
i'll just blog recollections of certain petty stuff that happened to me for the past few days.
*****
yesterday, as i was not doing anything at the office, i logged in to Pinoy Exchange and bumped into a seemingly non-sense thread about funny maid stories.
somebody posted a link to a blog -- apparently of a maid. my inquisitive side took over and checked out the site: http://chona.blogspot.com .
what i didn't foresee was i was up for an afternoon of stomach-aching good laugh.
it's a ridiculous journal! it's actually full of maid archetypal characteristics -- wrong grammar, idiotic adventures, superficial discoveries.
nah, i won't spoil it for you. just visit chona's site.
i finally had my phone checked at a Nokia care center near the office. i've been having problems with multimedia messaging for the past days. (my phone's Nokia 6600 by the way.) whenever i choose to create a new MMS, a composer page does not prompt!
the representative who attended to me said that my phone would need to have software reformatting!
and that means everything stored in my phone's memory would be wiped out!
well, all my pictures and audio files are saved in my memory card, but not my messages and my contacts!!
now, i'm just so pissed off. the phone's been with me for only 3 weeks yet, and this glitch has happened already!
(pardon the excessive use of exclamation marks...)
i just hope i wouldn't be having similar problems anymore in the future.
so today, i've finally decided to have myphone fixed.
i was able to copy my contacts list to my SIM last night, but my messages -- hopeless.
so goodbye my dear cutesy sentimental messages!
sigh.
last weekend, i was an examiner for the entrance test in my college university.
it was fun seeing my friends again, especially those i've never seen for quite some time now.
plus, i got more money to pay for my credit card.
i spotted one local teen star taking the test! Julie Ann Lee. Pretty, yeah. but not stunning.
i also bought my sister a new phone yesterday. a nokia 6600. just like mine.
she's been like bugging me for the past days to buy her a new phone (via charging it to my credit card).
i've been to a couple of Globe service centers and Hub stores, but the models that I'm interested are always out-of-stock.
but i went to a Globe center yesterday, there's one remaining stock of a Nokia 6600.
so i immediately called her up to ask if she'd like me to purchase it for her.
since she promised to pay for it (and she just discharged from the hospital anyway), i decided to grant her wish.
when i went home, her face just lit up when she saw her new phone -- a happy scene.
*****
forgive me for this seemingly crappy entry.
lately, my days seem to be quite boring. my hours just revolve around work and home. i rarely go out with friends for the past weeks.
that's why i can't write of any adventures i've been engaging in recently.
i've also drafted a lot of blog materials for posting but somehow, I just couldn't get myself to finish them.
Somtimes, i couldn't fully express what I'd essentially want to convey; that's why i opt not to publish my posts yet.
but most of the times, i'm having those laziness attacks again...
i promise to write something more substantial next time.
i swear.
Friday, September 17, 2004
1-800-LOVE-911
call centers are a booming industry right now in third-world countries like the Philippines. for one thing, labor is relatively cheaper in Asian countries, and thus, outsourcing is an effective cost-cutting options for global companies. as to whether this is a sustainable economic phenomenon, i don't have sufficient knowledge about it. a lot of people are saying that this boom will only last for a couple of years, but some argue that call centers are here to stay.
i know a lot of people who are actually employed in call centers. for one thing, call centers pay better than usual daytime office jobs. plus, the population in companies like these is relatively young and for sure, you'd feel very comfortable with the crowd. professional growth seems to be promising, as the industry is relatively young and unergoing expansion -- thus a lot of higher management and leadership positions are up for grabs. downsides however are the routinary menial work, graveyard shift, and the irate customers.
i actually almost got myself working in a call center. earlier this year, months after i resigned from my previous job, i was still unemployed and so i passed my resumé to some reputable call centers in Makati. to make the long story short, i've been given tempting job offers and just when i was about to accept one, my current employer called for a testing and after one interview, they hired me. (i'm a junior programmer right now by the way.)
but i'm not gonna blog about my career life today. i'd just like to share with you this wonderful forward about call centers. nah, actually about healing and love. the set-up is that of a technical support call center. read on...
*****
HOW TO INSTALL LOVE
Customer Service (CS) Rep. : Yes, Ma'am, how can I help you today?
Customer: Well, after much consideration, I've decided to install LOVE. Can you guide me through the process?
CS Rep. : Yes, I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?
Customer: Well, I'm not very technical, but I think I'm ready to install now. What do I do first?
CS Rep. : The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your HEART ma'am?
Customer: Yes I have, but there are several other programs running right now. Is it okay to install while they are running?
CS Rep. : What programs are running ma'am?
Customer: Let's see, I have PAST-HURT.EXE, LOW-ESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE, and RESENTMENT.COM running right now.
CS Rep. : No problem. LOVE will gradually erase PAST-HURT.EXE from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite LOW-ESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called HIGH-ESTEEM.EXE. However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ma'am?
Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?
CS Rep. : My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM have been completely erased.
Customer: Okay, done. LOVE has started installing itself automatically. Is that normal?
CS Rep. : Yes. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?
Customer: Yes I do. Is it completely installed?
CS Rep. : Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other HEART's in order to get the upgrades.
Customer: Oops. I have an error message already. What should I do?
CS Rep. : What does the message say?
Customer: It says "ERROR 412 - PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS." What does that mean?
CS Rep. : Don't worry ma'am, that's a common problem. It means that the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTS but has not yet been run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated programming things, but in nontechnical terms it means you have to "LOVE" your own machine before it can "LOVE" others.
Customer: So what should I do?
CS Rep. : Can you pull down the directory called "SELF-ACCEPTANCE"?
Customer: Yes, I have it.
CS Rep. : Excellent. You're getting good at this.
Customer: Thank you.
CS Rep. : You're welcome. Click on the following files and then copy them to the "MYHEART" directory: FORGIVE-SELF.DOC, REALIZE-WORTH.TXT, and ACKNOWLEDGE-LIMITATIONS.DOC. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching any faulty programming. Also, you need to delete VERBOSE-SELF-CRITIC.EXE from all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.
Customer: Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with new files. SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.COM are copying themselves all over my HEART. Is this normal?
CS Rep. : Sometimes. For others it takes a while, but eventually everything gets downloaded at the proper time. So, LOVE is installed and running. You should be able to handle it from here. One more thing before I go.
Customer: Yes?
CS Rep. : LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everybody you meet. They will in turn share it with other people and they will return some similarly cool modules back to you.
Customer: I will. Thanks for your help. By the way, what's your name?
CS Rep. : You can call me the Divine Cardiologist, also known as The Great Physician, but most call me God. Most people feel all they need is an annual checkup to stay heart-healthy, but the manufacturer (Me) suggests a schedule of daily maintenance for maximum efficiency. Put another way, keep in touch.........
~ Author Unknown
*****
now this got me thinking what a rave call centers for love would be. people trying to call you, bugging and complaining about their heart problems. seems crazy and desperate, eh? those advice columns and dr. love-radio-programs will soon cease if ever this materializes, i'm telling you.
imagine, how easy life would then be. a 5-minute call and you're dilemma will be solved.
one problem though: who's got the perfect answers for all the call-in queries about love?
love isn't as simple as deciphering your advanced internet protocols..
love isn't mechanical in the first place.
well. that's the mystery (and burden) of love i guess. there isn't a step-by-step manual for it. no amount of detailed procedure could encapsulate the mechanisms of this enigma.
no easy answers. no shove-it-on-my-face debugging techniques. no 5-step guide to configurations.
still, love isn't so bad.
elusive, yes. but i guess that what makes the whole painful journey worth it.
once you've found love, you'll just never let go.
i know a lot of people who are actually employed in call centers. for one thing, call centers pay better than usual daytime office jobs. plus, the population in companies like these is relatively young and for sure, you'd feel very comfortable with the crowd. professional growth seems to be promising, as the industry is relatively young and unergoing expansion -- thus a lot of higher management and leadership positions are up for grabs. downsides however are the routinary menial work, graveyard shift, and the irate customers.
i actually almost got myself working in a call center. earlier this year, months after i resigned from my previous job, i was still unemployed and so i passed my resumé to some reputable call centers in Makati. to make the long story short, i've been given tempting job offers and just when i was about to accept one, my current employer called for a testing and after one interview, they hired me. (i'm a junior programmer right now by the way.)
but i'm not gonna blog about my career life today. i'd just like to share with you this wonderful forward about call centers. nah, actually about healing and love. the set-up is that of a technical support call center. read on...
*****
HOW TO INSTALL LOVE
Customer Service (CS) Rep. : Yes, Ma'am, how can I help you today?
Customer: Well, after much consideration, I've decided to install LOVE. Can you guide me through the process?
CS Rep. : Yes, I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?
Customer: Well, I'm not very technical, but I think I'm ready to install now. What do I do first?
CS Rep. : The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your HEART ma'am?
Customer: Yes I have, but there are several other programs running right now. Is it okay to install while they are running?
CS Rep. : What programs are running ma'am?
Customer: Let's see, I have PAST-HURT.EXE, LOW-ESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE, and RESENTMENT.COM running right now.
CS Rep. : No problem. LOVE will gradually erase PAST-HURT.EXE from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite LOW-ESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called HIGH-ESTEEM.EXE. However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ma'am?
Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?
CS Rep. : My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM have been completely erased.
Customer: Okay, done. LOVE has started installing itself automatically. Is that normal?
CS Rep. : Yes. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?
Customer: Yes I do. Is it completely installed?
CS Rep. : Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other HEART's in order to get the upgrades.
Customer: Oops. I have an error message already. What should I do?
CS Rep. : What does the message say?
Customer: It says "ERROR 412 - PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS." What does that mean?
CS Rep. : Don't worry ma'am, that's a common problem. It means that the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTS but has not yet been run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated programming things, but in nontechnical terms it means you have to "LOVE" your own machine before it can "LOVE" others.
Customer: So what should I do?
CS Rep. : Can you pull down the directory called "SELF-ACCEPTANCE"?
Customer: Yes, I have it.
CS Rep. : Excellent. You're getting good at this.
Customer: Thank you.
CS Rep. : You're welcome. Click on the following files and then copy them to the "MYHEART" directory: FORGIVE-SELF.DOC, REALIZE-WORTH.TXT, and ACKNOWLEDGE-LIMITATIONS.DOC. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching any faulty programming. Also, you need to delete VERBOSE-SELF-CRITIC.EXE from all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.
Customer: Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with new files. SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.COM are copying themselves all over my HEART. Is this normal?
CS Rep. : Sometimes. For others it takes a while, but eventually everything gets downloaded at the proper time. So, LOVE is installed and running. You should be able to handle it from here. One more thing before I go.
Customer: Yes?
CS Rep. : LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everybody you meet. They will in turn share it with other people and they will return some similarly cool modules back to you.
Customer: I will. Thanks for your help. By the way, what's your name?
CS Rep. : You can call me the Divine Cardiologist, also known as The Great Physician, but most call me God. Most people feel all they need is an annual checkup to stay heart-healthy, but the manufacturer (Me) suggests a schedule of daily maintenance for maximum efficiency. Put another way, keep in touch.........
~ Author Unknown
*****
now this got me thinking what a rave call centers for love would be. people trying to call you, bugging and complaining about their heart problems. seems crazy and desperate, eh? those advice columns and dr. love-radio-programs will soon cease if ever this materializes, i'm telling you.
imagine, how easy life would then be. a 5-minute call and you're dilemma will be solved.
one problem though: who's got the perfect answers for all the call-in queries about love?
love isn't as simple as deciphering your advanced internet protocols..
love isn't mechanical in the first place.
well. that's the mystery (and burden) of love i guess. there isn't a step-by-step manual for it. no amount of detailed procedure could encapsulate the mechanisms of this enigma.
no easy answers. no shove-it-on-my-face debugging techniques. no 5-step guide to configurations.
still, love isn't so bad.
elusive, yes. but i guess that what makes the whole painful journey worth it.
once you've found love, you'll just never let go.
Thursday, September 16, 2004
5-second euphoria
my office crush finally talked to me!!!
a few minutes to lunch, i was still listening to my mp3s and trying to re-read a CBT on Fundamentals of Database Design.
and as i saw at the corner of my eyes, Jo** approaching me, i took off my left earphone and hoped Jo would come to say something to me.
and Jo did.
Jo first smiled at me and asked, "May nakaupo na ba dito?" pointing to the reclining chair in the vacated cubicle next to me.
i answered back smilingly, "Wala pa."
Jo then proceeded to put the lunch box on the table and then went to the room's pantry (perhaps to get some juice).
i went back staring blankly at my monitor -- i still couldn't believe it. Jo just spoke to me.
as i was about to burst to giggles and smiles, my teammate shoulder-tapped me -- signal for lunchtime.
good thing, my teammates and i are going to eat at the cafeteria of the building. or else, i would have not contained my animated spirit and possibly make a fool out of myself then.
*****
actually, it all began with an officemate taking notice of how peculiarly Jo’s polo sleeves are folded way up the elbow.
We even codenamed Jo as “Siko”.
Later on, with everyday obseravtions, we realized that’s just the way Jo does it. But it was so atypical. So weird.
And so cute.
Since then, Jo’s been an eye-ing habit.
Well, embarrasing as this may seem, I even get stolen shots of Jo with my phone cam.
(Hey, I’m still in that excited experimental phase with my phone! -- Yeah, what an alibi.)
at times, sending Jo a bluetooth message seems to be so tempting. You know, trying to finally land a connection with cutie-pie.
Jo’s bluetooth is always on even at the office, but still I’m not gutsy enough to send a bluetooth hello.
i'm too scared he'd think of me as a dsperate stalker, and i wouldn't want to endure being gossiped around as such.
*****
for one thing, today was the first time Jo smiled at me. ever.
since i occupied a cubicle in the same room as Jo is, Jo has never thrown a smile at me.
honestly, i initally found Jo quite snobbish. for the few times we'd accidentally lock glances, either one of us would simply turn and look away.
maybe it was all because we're not friends.
hell, we're not even acquaintances yet.
but when i see Jo talking to our other floormates and teammates (who obviously have known Jo for quite some time now), i see Jo as this warm, caring friend.
and since we're not formally introduced to each other yet, Jo has to display this i-don'tknow-you-and-i-don't-have-to-smile-at-you-freak-so-better-be-content-with-my-cold-stare look whenever we'd be in the same place.
it's Jo's strangers decorum 101 probably. besides, the mysterious facade is even more curiousity-rousing and inviting.
nonetheless, the ice has been broken.
now, we've established ourselves as "talking strangers".
fine, maybe i should be more appropriately labeled as the "friendly information center."
still, Jo can always come to me and inquire about anything.
i'd be receptive to Jo's inquiries, that's for sure.
*****
bad news though: Jo's friendster status reads "In a Relationship."
darn it. it was "Single" the first time i checked Jo's profile (and that was about a month ago).
maybe Jo met someone special recently. tough luck.
sigh.
or maybe, it was just an act. a press release.
maybe it's a non-existent affair!
i, for one thing, have been parading my status as "In a Relationship" for quite some time now. (and i've been single since birth. sad.)
but maybe Jo's not as pathetic as i am.
Jo's a good catch actually-- cute, confident, fashionista, charming, refined, sophisticated.
And my greatest weakness: fabulous hair.
definitely, it wouldn't be hard for Jo to find someone to be with.
sigh.
another bad news: in a few weeks from now, their project team is transfering to a newly renovated room on our floor .
sheesh. i guess i'll just have to enjoy the remaining days of Jo within my sight.
maybe, i better get more of Jo's stolen shots.
tsk. tsk. tsk. pathetic.
sigh.
well, i know all this fascination will stop eventually.
but for now, let me savor the temporary madness.
** name changed to protect the identity of the individual
a few minutes to lunch, i was still listening to my mp3s and trying to re-read a CBT on Fundamentals of Database Design.
and as i saw at the corner of my eyes, Jo** approaching me, i took off my left earphone and hoped Jo would come to say something to me.
and Jo did.
Jo first smiled at me and asked, "May nakaupo na ba dito?" pointing to the reclining chair in the vacated cubicle next to me.
i answered back smilingly, "Wala pa."
Jo then proceeded to put the lunch box on the table and then went to the room's pantry (perhaps to get some juice).
i went back staring blankly at my monitor -- i still couldn't believe it. Jo just spoke to me.
as i was about to burst to giggles and smiles, my teammate shoulder-tapped me -- signal for lunchtime.
good thing, my teammates and i are going to eat at the cafeteria of the building. or else, i would have not contained my animated spirit and possibly make a fool out of myself then.
*****
actually, it all began with an officemate taking notice of how peculiarly Jo’s polo sleeves are folded way up the elbow.
We even codenamed Jo as “Siko”.
Later on, with everyday obseravtions, we realized that’s just the way Jo does it. But it was so atypical. So weird.
And so cute.
Since then, Jo’s been an eye-ing habit.
Well, embarrasing as this may seem, I even get stolen shots of Jo with my phone cam.
(Hey, I’m still in that excited experimental phase with my phone! -- Yeah, what an alibi.)
at times, sending Jo a bluetooth message seems to be so tempting. You know, trying to finally land a connection with cutie-pie.
Jo’s bluetooth is always on even at the office, but still I’m not gutsy enough to send a bluetooth hello.
i'm too scared he'd think of me as a dsperate stalker, and i wouldn't want to endure being gossiped around as such.
*****
for one thing, today was the first time Jo smiled at me. ever.
since i occupied a cubicle in the same room as Jo is, Jo has never thrown a smile at me.
honestly, i initally found Jo quite snobbish. for the few times we'd accidentally lock glances, either one of us would simply turn and look away.
maybe it was all because we're not friends.
hell, we're not even acquaintances yet.
but when i see Jo talking to our other floormates and teammates (who obviously have known Jo for quite some time now), i see Jo as this warm, caring friend.
and since we're not formally introduced to each other yet, Jo has to display this i-don'tknow-you-and-i-don't-have-to-smile-at-you-freak-so-better-be-content-with-my-cold-stare look whenever we'd be in the same place.
it's Jo's strangers decorum 101 probably. besides, the mysterious facade is even more curiousity-rousing and inviting.
nonetheless, the ice has been broken.
now, we've established ourselves as "talking strangers".
fine, maybe i should be more appropriately labeled as the "friendly information center."
still, Jo can always come to me and inquire about anything.
i'd be receptive to Jo's inquiries, that's for sure.
*****
bad news though: Jo's friendster status reads "In a Relationship."
darn it. it was "Single" the first time i checked Jo's profile (and that was about a month ago).
maybe Jo met someone special recently. tough luck.
sigh.
or maybe, it was just an act. a press release.
maybe it's a non-existent affair!
i, for one thing, have been parading my status as "In a Relationship" for quite some time now. (and i've been single since birth. sad.)
but maybe Jo's not as pathetic as i am.
Jo's a good catch actually-- cute, confident, fashionista, charming, refined, sophisticated.
And my greatest weakness: fabulous hair.
definitely, it wouldn't be hard for Jo to find someone to be with.
sigh.
another bad news: in a few weeks from now, their project team is transfering to a newly renovated room on our floor .
sheesh. i guess i'll just have to enjoy the remaining days of Jo within my sight.
maybe, i better get more of Jo's stolen shots.
tsk. tsk. tsk. pathetic.
sigh.
well, i know all this fascination will stop eventually.
but for now, let me savor the temporary madness.
** name changed to protect the identity of the individual
Tuesday, September 14, 2004
the white supremacy
you may laugh at this, but hey it's pretty huge for me.
for the first time in my work life, i am wearing white long sleeves.
beah (my officemate) even noticed that i am wearing white today.
i know that most people have most of their clothes in white.
well, except for me.
i am not a big fan of white clothes.
all of my long sleeves polos are either in solid colors or in stripes. most of them are even in blue.
in our company, wearing ties is optional.
thus, one way to enliven your get-up would be to wear colored tops.
white would seem to be so dull (i've always thought so), and wearing one with matching black slacks would possibly lead to you being mistaken for a waiter.
but i'm beginning to like the feeling of being in white.
i feel fresh, clean and even cuter.
so simple, classic and more professional-looking.
*****
now, wearing white reminded me of this Pinoy obsession with white.
We want to have pearly-white teeth (and thus the development of that expensive laser treatment).
We want fairer complexion (and thus the flooding of Papaya soaps in the grocery).
We think highly of Whites (even the most trashy of them I must say) --
and we simply adore them (thus the always-welcome influx of Pinoy-foreign-blood hyrids in the local entertainment scene).
What is it with white that we are so gravitated towards wanting to be bathing in its hue and be surrounded by it?
Is it just the aesthetic appeal of purity and cleanliness that white projects?
Is it the fleeting feeling of wanting to have something lighten up our tarnished and stained selves?
Or is it the symbolic and implied power and status of white -- being higher and better -- that lures us to it?
there is nothing wrong with worshipping White.
but what is saddening is that because of all this wantings-to-be-white, sometimes we think so lowly of the non-whites.
we obsess too much of white as being supreme. superior.
the slightest discoloration is a supposed indication of less substance. less value. less meaning.
darkness speaks of ugliness. unwantedness.
but what does that make of our native blemished dark skin?
does native equate self-condemnation?
we forget that sometimes, beauty resides in its most grotesque manifestations, beyond the confines of conventional boxed-up criteria.
that we ourselves are beautiful.
and we don't need any amount of light to make that visible to the naked eye.
maybe just a bit of enlightenment.
for the first time in my work life, i am wearing white long sleeves.
beah (my officemate) even noticed that i am wearing white today.
i know that most people have most of their clothes in white.
well, except for me.
i am not a big fan of white clothes.
all of my long sleeves polos are either in solid colors or in stripes. most of them are even in blue.
in our company, wearing ties is optional.
thus, one way to enliven your get-up would be to wear colored tops.
white would seem to be so dull (i've always thought so), and wearing one with matching black slacks would possibly lead to you being mistaken for a waiter.
but i'm beginning to like the feeling of being in white.
i feel fresh, clean and even cuter.
so simple, classic and more professional-looking.
*****
now, wearing white reminded me of this Pinoy obsession with white.
We want to have pearly-white teeth (and thus the development of that expensive laser treatment).
We want fairer complexion (and thus the flooding of Papaya soaps in the grocery).
We think highly of Whites (even the most trashy of them I must say) --
and we simply adore them (thus the always-welcome influx of Pinoy-foreign-blood hyrids in the local entertainment scene).
What is it with white that we are so gravitated towards wanting to be bathing in its hue and be surrounded by it?
Is it just the aesthetic appeal of purity and cleanliness that white projects?
Is it the fleeting feeling of wanting to have something lighten up our tarnished and stained selves?
Or is it the symbolic and implied power and status of white -- being higher and better -- that lures us to it?
there is nothing wrong with worshipping White.
but what is saddening is that because of all this wantings-to-be-white, sometimes we think so lowly of the non-whites.
we obsess too much of white as being supreme. superior.
the slightest discoloration is a supposed indication of less substance. less value. less meaning.
darkness speaks of ugliness. unwantedness.
but what does that make of our native blemished dark skin?
does native equate self-condemnation?
we forget that sometimes, beauty resides in its most grotesque manifestations, beyond the confines of conventional boxed-up criteria.
that we ourselves are beautiful.
and we don't need any amount of light to make that visible to the naked eye.
maybe just a bit of enlightenment.
Monday, September 13, 2004
forbidden
Forbidden
You were denied access because:
Access denied by access control list.
*****
that's the message that prompts on my explorer window whenever i try accessing friendster.com here at the office.
i initially thought the company banned accessing the site.
but apparently it isn't the case, as i've seen the monitors of my floormates and they can log on to the site at anytime of the day.
the friendster ban is just in our node (i think). maybe it's for security purposes of our team's project.
daya.
but this can be a good thing for me. i just oftentimes waste my time and energy answering senseless surveys, posting lyrics, and browsing through my friend's lists.
pathetic ways of me reaching out and killing my dull time.
i guess i'd have to find new ways to spend my dull times here at the office.
besides, i also need to catch up on reading online materials for my project.
i'm quite behind my schedule right now with my computer-based trainings.
i bet, my friendsters would miss those bulletins from me.
Friday, September 10, 2004
vows of hope
a few weeks ago, i attended a friend's wedding. the couple was both my college orgmates. the guy is 3 years our senior, and the girl is my batchmate.
it was a small, private wedding. the guests roughly totaled a hundred. only close relatives and friends were invited.
we knew that they were engaged. pretty much, they seemed to be a happy couple.
so much in love. mature. emotionally secure.
but when she broke the news to us last July that she's getting hitched in a month, i couldn't help but feel shocked.
questions began clogging my head.
why so soon?
why the sudden decision to settle down?
aren't we still young for this type of things?
maybe you're asking, is she pregnant? i don't think so.
for one thing, they weren't the horny let's-get-it-on type of couple.
they're both religious, practical, and certainly not stupid. and if ever they did PMS, they probably used protection. (hahaha.)
so why then did she get married? i don't know, but i'm gonna give you the cliché answer: perhaps, she knew he was the one.
actually, it was my first time to attend a wedding of a friend.
and honestly, seeing someone i know finally tying the knot with her love-of-her-life just felt so strange.
it's supposed to be a happy event and yeah, i did enjoy it, but through out the ceremonies, i had this nudging feeling of sadness, not for the happy couple, but for myself.
it reminded me of the loneliness of being single.
it led me even to question where i'm at in my life. and what i want to do with my life.
i still consider 21 to be a young age to get married.
not more than two years out from college and barely starting to carve your career niche, there are still numerous horizons to explore.
obviously, i am still enjoying the benefits of being young and unattached - carefree lifestyle, childish issues, nonsense wanderings.
and at this point in my life, getting married is really far, far off my plans.
i've still got lots of responsibilities to my family. (i.e. i am still to finance my younger sister's schooling till she finishes college. )
and i've got a long list of stuff i'd want to do. things i couldn't do anymore once i get married.
one more thing, i've got no one special in my life at the moment. so why get married?
but will i ever get married? maybe not. no one's probably interested.
21 years of being single. enough to convince me that probably no one's gonna love me romantically.
maybe i'm born to be single. that's my mantra for the past year. and everyday, i'm getting better at accepting this fate of mine.
but you're still young. you just have to wait. love will find you.
that's what they say. but i'd rather not be too optimistic. besides, there are a lot of untold stories of people ending up alone (the universe just don't want to hear about them).
and i might be one of them.
and maybe love is not even for real. maybe it's all an illusion that people make up, just to have this so-called purpose in life.
maybe love is overrated.
then, i couldn't help but imagine what my friends' future would be like.
will they remain happy? or will they be part of the more-than-50% statistic of failed marriages?
are they going to have lovely kids? evil kids?
will they have kids at all?
will they give up on each other eventually?
marriage is not an easy road to take. it is a life-altering choice.
there would be a lot of things to worry about. lots of sacrifices and compromises.
there will be bumps, humps, and even distractions along the way.
clashes. conflicts. and more drama.
but you know one good thing that I get from the wedding?
it shed me a light of hope.
hope that i badly needed especially now that i've grown so cynical of life.
i was feeling goosebumps when i heard my friends exchanging vows to each other.
promises to stick it out through whatever-come-what-may.
through thick and thin.
in sickness and in health.
for richer or for poorer.
till death part them.
i couldn't help but smile.
i haven't found love, but my friends surely have.
and that's enough testament for me to believe.
it was a small, private wedding. the guests roughly totaled a hundred. only close relatives and friends were invited.
we knew that they were engaged. pretty much, they seemed to be a happy couple.
so much in love. mature. emotionally secure.
but when she broke the news to us last July that she's getting hitched in a month, i couldn't help but feel shocked.
questions began clogging my head.
why so soon?
why the sudden decision to settle down?
aren't we still young for this type of things?
maybe you're asking, is she pregnant? i don't think so.
for one thing, they weren't the horny let's-get-it-on type of couple.
they're both religious, practical, and certainly not stupid. and if ever they did PMS, they probably used protection. (hahaha.)
so why then did she get married? i don't know, but i'm gonna give you the cliché answer: perhaps, she knew he was the one.
actually, it was my first time to attend a wedding of a friend.
and honestly, seeing someone i know finally tying the knot with her love-of-her-life just felt so strange.
it's supposed to be a happy event and yeah, i did enjoy it, but through out the ceremonies, i had this nudging feeling of sadness, not for the happy couple, but for myself.
it reminded me of the loneliness of being single.
it led me even to question where i'm at in my life. and what i want to do with my life.
i still consider 21 to be a young age to get married.
not more than two years out from college and barely starting to carve your career niche, there are still numerous horizons to explore.
obviously, i am still enjoying the benefits of being young and unattached - carefree lifestyle, childish issues, nonsense wanderings.
and at this point in my life, getting married is really far, far off my plans.
i've still got lots of responsibilities to my family. (i.e. i am still to finance my younger sister's schooling till she finishes college. )
and i've got a long list of stuff i'd want to do. things i couldn't do anymore once i get married.
one more thing, i've got no one special in my life at the moment. so why get married?
but will i ever get married? maybe not. no one's probably interested.
21 years of being single. enough to convince me that probably no one's gonna love me romantically.
maybe i'm born to be single. that's my mantra for the past year. and everyday, i'm getting better at accepting this fate of mine.
but you're still young. you just have to wait. love will find you.
that's what they say. but i'd rather not be too optimistic. besides, there are a lot of untold stories of people ending up alone (the universe just don't want to hear about them).
and i might be one of them.
and maybe love is not even for real. maybe it's all an illusion that people make up, just to have this so-called purpose in life.
maybe love is overrated.
then, i couldn't help but imagine what my friends' future would be like.
will they remain happy? or will they be part of the more-than-50% statistic of failed marriages?
are they going to have lovely kids? evil kids?
will they have kids at all?
will they give up on each other eventually?
marriage is not an easy road to take. it is a life-altering choice.
there would be a lot of things to worry about. lots of sacrifices and compromises.
there will be bumps, humps, and even distractions along the way.
clashes. conflicts. and more drama.
but you know one good thing that I get from the wedding?
it shed me a light of hope.
hope that i badly needed especially now that i've grown so cynical of life.
i was feeling goosebumps when i heard my friends exchanging vows to each other.
promises to stick it out through whatever-come-what-may.
through thick and thin.
in sickness and in health.
for richer or for poorer.
till death part them.
i couldn't help but smile.
i haven't found love, but my friends surely have.
and that's enough testament for me to believe.
Wednesday, September 08, 2004
desperado
it's official. i am in an american idol 3 overload.
so weeks ago, as i was not doing much at the office, i downloaded american idol 3 mp3s - all of the performances from top 32 right down to the finals.
(bad cheetah. mp3 downloading is prohibited here in the company.)
until now, my ears are not yet tired of hearing the same songs incessantly played on my winamp.
well, i am a fan of Jasmine Trias and Camile Velasco - the pretty pinays who made it to the top 12.
i simply cannot get enough of them.
*****
Among the Camile songs, "Desperado" is my favorite.
Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
You been out ridin' fences for so long now.
Oh, you're a hard one,
but I know that you've got your reasons.
These things that are pleasin' you
can hurt you somehow.
Don't you draw the queen of diamonds, boy!
She'll beat you, if she's able.
You know the queen of hearts is always your best bet.
Now it seems to me some fine things
have been laid upon your table,
but you only want the ones that you can't get.
Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
You better let somebody love you
You better let somebody love you
before it's too late.
Actually, I'm not familiar with the song before A.I.3 -- I didn't know it was an Eagles hit.
But the first time I heard it, my eyes were welling. (I am such a crybaby.)
Maybe it was the sad tone of the song. plus the confronting lyrics.
it felt as if the song was singing of my longing. of my emptiness. of my vulnerability.
of my own desperation.
Though i'm not exactly the desperado who endlessly enjoys fleeting experiences and encounters but ends up feeling incomplete after it all,
I am still fundamentally a desperado -- I crave for affirmation. I long for security. I need love.
living 21 years of singlehood, i think i came to the point where i finally feel the loneliness of not having someone special in my life.
wallowing in self-pity is even my favorite pasttime nowadays.
i bombard myself with questions scrutinizing the worst of me.
is something wrong with me?
am i that ugly?
am i that very uninteresting?
am i such a turn-off?
is it my hair?
is it because i'm short?
is it because i'm dark?
is it because i'm a bad dresser?
why don't people see me as a prospect?
will i ever be enough for anybody?
have i missed my chance on love?
fine. i have insecurity issues. and yeah, it surely doesn't help.
sometimes, despite the constant assurance to myself that "I am okay", whenever i see happy couples, i feel so low.
i feel as if my existence does not matter to anyone.
i feel empty.
i feel so unloved.
i feel unwanted.
friends have told me that love is a matter of waiting. that we shouldn't go looking for it.
that we just need to be patient.
sure, i'll wait..but what if love doesn't find me?
will the waiting be all in vain?
*sigh*
perhaps i'm just not that lucky with love.
*****
Desperado, ah, you ain't gettin' no younger.
Your pain and your hunger, they're drivin' you home.
Freedom, oh, freedom. That's just some people talkin'
You're a prisoner walking through this world all alone.
so weeks ago, as i was not doing much at the office, i downloaded american idol 3 mp3s - all of the performances from top 32 right down to the finals.
(bad cheetah. mp3 downloading is prohibited here in the company.)
until now, my ears are not yet tired of hearing the same songs incessantly played on my winamp.
well, i am a fan of Jasmine Trias and Camile Velasco - the pretty pinays who made it to the top 12.
i simply cannot get enough of them.
*****
Among the Camile songs, "Desperado" is my favorite.
Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
You been out ridin' fences for so long now.
Oh, you're a hard one,
but I know that you've got your reasons.
These things that are pleasin' you
can hurt you somehow.
Don't you draw the queen of diamonds, boy!
She'll beat you, if she's able.
You know the queen of hearts is always your best bet.
Now it seems to me some fine things
have been laid upon your table,
but you only want the ones that you can't get.
Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
You better let somebody love you
You better let somebody love you
before it's too late.
Actually, I'm not familiar with the song before A.I.3 -- I didn't know it was an Eagles hit.
But the first time I heard it, my eyes were welling. (I am such a crybaby.)
Maybe it was the sad tone of the song. plus the confronting lyrics.
it felt as if the song was singing of my longing. of my emptiness. of my vulnerability.
of my own desperation.
Though i'm not exactly the desperado who endlessly enjoys fleeting experiences and encounters but ends up feeling incomplete after it all,
I am still fundamentally a desperado -- I crave for affirmation. I long for security. I need love.
living 21 years of singlehood, i think i came to the point where i finally feel the loneliness of not having someone special in my life.
wallowing in self-pity is even my favorite pasttime nowadays.
i bombard myself with questions scrutinizing the worst of me.
is something wrong with me?
am i that ugly?
am i that very uninteresting?
am i such a turn-off?
is it my hair?
is it because i'm short?
is it because i'm dark?
is it because i'm a bad dresser?
why don't people see me as a prospect?
will i ever be enough for anybody?
have i missed my chance on love?
fine. i have insecurity issues. and yeah, it surely doesn't help.
sometimes, despite the constant assurance to myself that "I am okay", whenever i see happy couples, i feel so low.
i feel as if my existence does not matter to anyone.
i feel empty.
i feel so unloved.
i feel unwanted.
friends have told me that love is a matter of waiting. that we shouldn't go looking for it.
that we just need to be patient.
sure, i'll wait..but what if love doesn't find me?
will the waiting be all in vain?
*sigh*
perhaps i'm just not that lucky with love.
*****
Desperado, ah, you ain't gettin' no younger.
Your pain and your hunger, they're drivin' you home.
Freedom, oh, freedom. That's just some people talkin'
You're a prisoner walking through this world all alone.
Tuesday, September 07, 2004
redevirginization
hello world!
pardon my pathetic musings.
but today, i'm gonna conquer my own share of cyberspace.
actually, this isn't my first attempt to blog. this is in fact a resurrected journal.
i created this site around november of last year. but i only wrote one entry.
i just didn't have back then the time to manage a blog i guess.
but now, i've got some writing time to spare. and i can go online here at the office.
also, for the past months, apprehensions have held me back from journaling online.
i've been afraid of so many things...
the grammar errors that may spring out.
my non-sense thoughts.
my poor vocabulary.
my poor grammar skills.
my influency. (is there such a word? or maybe non-fluency.)
what others may say. criticisms in particular.
the act itself of divulging to the universe a part of my very private life.
another thing, i don't know what i am supposed to post here in the first place.
will this blog be about superficial shenanigans? my crazy hilarious anecdotes?
will i ever be capable to come up with something mind-blowingly profound?
or will this be the Frankenstein of my writing skills -- a tragic, ambitious (and soon-to-fail) attempt to articulate something of substance?
but then, why should these fears prevent me from doing something i'd like to do?
why be such a chicken?
i have to face my fears. these imaginary monsters.
this is my kingdom in the first place. i reign over this side of blogville.
and i've got the license to dazzle up my realm of thought with my whatever-i-deem-to-be-blog-worthy's.
and so today,
i came.
i saw.
i blogged.
now, you suffer.
prepare for the rev-o-lution, darling.
pardon my pathetic musings.
but today, i'm gonna conquer my own share of cyberspace.
actually, this isn't my first attempt to blog. this is in fact a resurrected journal.
i created this site around november of last year. but i only wrote one entry.
i just didn't have back then the time to manage a blog i guess.
but now, i've got some writing time to spare. and i can go online here at the office.
also, for the past months, apprehensions have held me back from journaling online.
i've been afraid of so many things...
the grammar errors that may spring out.
my non-sense thoughts.
my poor vocabulary.
my poor grammar skills.
my influency. (is there such a word? or maybe non-fluency.)
what others may say. criticisms in particular.
the act itself of divulging to the universe a part of my very private life.
another thing, i don't know what i am supposed to post here in the first place.
will this blog be about superficial shenanigans? my crazy hilarious anecdotes?
will i ever be capable to come up with something mind-blowingly profound?
or will this be the Frankenstein of my writing skills -- a tragic, ambitious (and soon-to-fail) attempt to articulate something of substance?
but then, why should these fears prevent me from doing something i'd like to do?
why be such a chicken?
i have to face my fears. these imaginary monsters.
this is my kingdom in the first place. i reign over this side of blogville.
and i've got the license to dazzle up my realm of thought with my whatever-i-deem-to-be-blog-worthy's.
and so today,
i came.
i saw.
i blogged.
now, you suffer.
prepare for the rev-o-lution, darling.
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