.w.a.n.d.e.r.l.u.s.t.

ikaw ba ay nalulungkot at naiinip na sa buhay?
hay nako, basahin mo to... promise, may bahid ng katotohanan ang mga rason dito.

1. Kailangan mong mag-concentrate sa career.
Hindi na uso ang mga babaeng pambahay ngayon. Kalimitan meron ng tinatawag na career. Habang hindi ka pa tinatamaan ng palaso ni kupido, hamo na munang mag-concentrate ka sa trabaho mo. Kailangan mong ma-achieve ang full potential mo bago ka mag-asawa, kasi 'pag nag-asawa ka na, tanggapin na natin, iba na ang mga prioridad mo sa buhay. Lagi ng mauuna ang pamilya. Habang feel mo pang lumaban ng lumaban sa rat race at umakyat ng umakyat sa corporate ladder, huwag mong panghinayangan na wala ka pang sariling pamilya.

2. Masyadong mataas ang standards mo.
Ibaba mo kasi ng konti, baka naman kahit si Rizal hindi ma-achieve yung standards mo. Tandaan mo, si Rizal kahit na bayani medyo babaero din. alang taong perpekto. Kahit naman ikaw di ba? Meron ka ding kapintasan? Baba mo ng konti, yung akatarungang pamantayan lang. Baka naman naghahanap ka ng Brad Pitt eh Pokwang na Pokwang naman ang dating mo. Lumagay ka lang sa dapat mong kalagyan. Baka naman naghahanap ka ng kasing yaman ni Zobel eh ikaw naman eh pobre din lang naman. Huwag. Huwag ganoon. Para kang gago non. Baka naman naghahanap ka ng smart, na gwapong, mayaman. Ate, kung ganon ang hanap mo, malamang tatandang dalaga ka na talaga. Di lahat binibigay ni Lord. Di bale kung salat sa face value, babawi na lang siguro yung sa bait at sa talino. Kung puro face value naman, at salat sa kaalaman or masama ang ugali, manalig ka na lang na baka pag pinakain mo ng gulay tumalino or ito the best, lahat naman ng tao nagbabago. Pwede pa 'yan bumait.

3. Hindi ka lumalabas ng bahay.
O baka lumalabas ka nga ng bahay, sa opisina lang naman ang punta mo. Huwag ganon. Sumama ka sa mga kaibigan mo, mag-mall ka, magsimba ka, mag-outreach program ka. Huwag mong
panisin ang sarili mo sa bahay dahil wala talagang makakapansin sa'yo sa bahay. Mag-aral ka ng painting, voice lessons at Yoga. Imaginin mo kung magka-boyfriend ka na Yoga master? or di kaya, chef. O di ba cool 'yun? Magliwaliw ka sa bookstores, sa coffee shops, at kung saan-saan pang mataong lugar. Baka sakali mapansin ka doon.

4. Baka naman sobrang tapang mo.
Oo nga naman, baka naman sobrang masungit ka at natatakot sa iyo ang mga potential suitors mo. Baka dapat kang maging approachable ng konti. Baka masyadong maangas ang dating
mo imbis na matuwa sa iyo matakot. Baka sobrang independent mo, at parang mabubuhay ka ng wala silang lahat. Minsan may epekto rin 'yan. Baka sobrang talino ng dating mopakiramdam nila mababara lang sila or baka 'pag pinadalhan ka ng love letter eh i-edit mo ng red ink pen. Magkunwari ka kayang tanga minsan-minsan, tingin mo?

5. Baka naman kasi losyang ka.
Oo nga naman, mag-ayos ka paminsan-minsan kaya lang kung pangit ka, pangit ka talaga. No amount of make up can change that. Pero at least pwede ma-enhance ng konti.

6. Baka naman hinahanapan pa ni Lord ng ribbon ang para sa iyo.
Natatandaan ko ang sabi ng kaibigan ko. Blessing daw from the Lord ang mga girlfriends/boyfriends. O eh baka naman hinahanapan pa ni Lord ng magandang ribbon yung regalo mo. Kasi baka daw 'pag hindi maganda ang packaging i-reject mo.

7. Baka naman nagtitipid sa toll fee yung para sa iyo.
Malay mo kasi taga-Norte yung para sa iyo eh mahalnaman ang toll fee. Baka nagtitipid dumaan sa walang toll kaya medyo natatagalan.

8. Baka naglakad yung para sa iyo.
Parating na 'yon kaya lang mahal ang gasolina so naglakad na lang papunta sa iyo. Besides, walking is good for the heart daw. Baka sa kakalakad naligaw na. Ito pa namang mga lalaking ito, hindi magtatanong kung hindi pakiramdam nila naliligaw na sila.

9. Baka naman sadyang torpe lang yung para sa iyo.
Baka naman nag-iipon pa ng lakas ng loob o di kaya nag-iisip pa ng magandang tiyempo. Baka talagang hindi lang siya makapag-salita dahil sobrang mahiyain niya. Baka naman dapat makiramdam ka rin ng konti kasi talagang deadma ang dating nito. Baka dapat tinatanong ng unti-unti.

10. Baka naman talagang for single blessedness ka.
Ipagdasal mo. Baka naman kasi pinapagod mo ang sarili mong kakaisip bakit you're still single eh hindi naman kasi marriage ang plan ni Lord for you. Paminsan-minsan magtanong ka kasi sa Kanya baka naman ikaw ang naliligaw. Baka naman ikaw ang nagtitipid. Baka naman kasi ikaw ang torpe. Baka naman kasi ikaw ang problema.


Gasgas man, pero sasabihin ko pa rin. Darating Din Yun.
Kung para sa iyo, para sa iyo.
Kahit iwasan mo, para talaga sa iyo.

thanks to ma-antot for this survey. :)

Three names you go by:
1. Rev
2. Marky
3. Hayee

Three screen names you have had:
1. revaxicon
2. ugok
3. khangkhung

Three physical things you like about yourself:
1. nose (definitely.)
2. hair
3. brows (wala na ako maisip e.)

Three physical things you dont like about yourself:
1. dark spots and scars - magpa-tan na nga lang para pantay.
2. height - sana nagging mas matangkad ako.
3. ugly adipose - ayaw ko na ng extra rice!

Three parts of your heritage:
1. Ilocano
2. Manileno
3. Spanish (ata)

Three things that scare you:
1. RVs - rumaragasang vehicles
2. guns
3. snakes

Three of your everyday essentials:
1. L Oreal hair putty
2. Blistex lip balm (SPF 30)
3. cologne (as of the moment - GAP blue)

Three of your favorite musical artists:
1. Sarah McLachlan
2. Boyz II Men
3. Tori Amos

Three of your favorite songs (ang hirap nito ha, super konti):
1. Eric s Song - Vienna Teng (hay, sobrang nakaka-in love)
2. No Pressure Over Cappuccino - Alanis Morissette (for the misunderstood)
3. Rebel Heart - The Corrs (This instrumental is really haunting. Iniiyakan ko ito lagi.)

Three things you want in a relationship:
1. growth
2. faithfulness and patience.
3. talking... over coffee. underneath the stars. in silence.

Three lies and truths in no particular order:
LIES:
1. All you need is love.
2. Okay lang ako.
3. There is that someone meant for everyone.

TRUTHS:
1. Jokes are half-meant.
2. We are our own worst enemies.
3. We make our own Gods.

Three physical things that appeal to you:
1. chinky eyes
2. a nice smile.
3. fair complexion.

Three of your favorite hobbies:
1. watching movies and TV series
2. catching glimpses of office crush
3. pangungulit

Three things you want to do really badly now:
1. kiss office crushie.
2. buy a cellphone.
3. get a new job.

Three careers you are considering/you have considered:
1. advertising!
2. marketing officer
3. script writer

Three places you want to go on vacation:
1. Camiguin
2. Amsterdam
3. Bali, Indonesia

Three kid names you like:
1. Sophia
2. Miguel
3. Lilly

Three things you want to do before you die:
1. get leaner.
2. compose a song.
3. build my dreamhouse.

Three ways that you are stereotypically a boy:
1. Makalat ako.
2. I am a pig.
3. Chismoso ako (Yes, mas chismoso ang mga lalaki sa babae).

Three ways that you are stereotypically a girl:
1. Vanity is my favorite sin. Hahaha.
2. I talk too much and sometimes succumb to tactlessness.
3. I am such a fickle.

sagot na!

Husband: Shall we try a different position tonight?
Wife: That's a good idea dear....doon ka sa may plantsahan at ako naman ang uupo sa sofa at manoood ng tv.

*****

Mrs: Ano ba? Two days na tayong kasal, 'la pa rin.
Mr: Kasi pagod ako.
Mrs: Cge ka, pag ayaw mo maghahanap ako ng lalaki.
Mr: Cge, gawin mong dalawa... tig-isa tayo.

*****

Pari: Sister, ikaw ba ang nasa CR? Kunin ko lang toothbrush ko.
Sister: Sandali, naka-panty lang ako.
Pari: Ok, antay ako.
Sister: Pasok na, wala na ako panty!

*****

Wife: honey... bili mo naman ako ng bra...
Husband: Hon.. wag ka ng magbra...liit namn dede mo e..
Wife: E bat ikaw naka brief?

*****

GIRL: Ang puti naman ng bird mo...
BOY: Aba syempre ah!!! Likas papaya ata gamit ko diyan!!!
GIRL: Ginagamitan mo rin ba ng Downy?
BOY: Baket? Bango ba?
GIRL: Lambot eh!!!

*****

After the wedding...
Husband: Sinungaling ka, sabi mo virgin ka! Bakit kagabi maluwag na!
Wife: Ulol ka! Dahil lasing ka, katabi mo kagabi si mama!

wahahahaha.
pasensya na at walang magawa ngayong lunch break.
sana hindi namaga ngala-ngala ninyo.

guess what?
last friday, one of our team leads pinged me that my manager wanted to talk to me.

"rev, hinahanap ka ni clark. kausapin ka raw. 4.11."

FUCK.
i was again thinking of some possible things i have failed to do the previous days.
and man, as always, i felt a bit uneasy whenever i'm gonna be speaking with manager.
laging may kaba. baka kasi pagagalitan ako. or something.

as i walked in the conference room...
manager: "hey. anong contingency natin for tomorrow? (referring to our enchanted kingdom trip for teambuilding) mukhang hindi pa titigil ang ulan..."
me: (lakad papunta sa bintana, taas ng blind..) "sheesh. oo nga e. pero sabi ng pag-asa, the weather's gonna be better tomorrow. anyway, any suggestions?"
manager: "how about sonia's garden..."

hay, i was relieved to know that it was all about his teambuilding concerns for this weekend. and to cut the story short, we thought of alternative activities should we need to cancel our EK trip due to the heavy rains.

so, just when i was about leave the room, manager asked me to stay for a bit longer.

manager: "nga pala, there's one more thing..."

i then silently walked back to my seat and waited patiently for what he needed to add.

manager: "i just want to tell you that EFFECTIVE SEPTEMBER 1, YOU'LL BE A SENIOR PROGRAMMER. congratulations!"

wohoooooooooo!
i was fuckin' agape and speechless.
FUCK FUCK FUCK.
i wanted to cry that very moment.
parang nasa wish ko lang ako. at ni-grant ni vicky morales ang aking kahilingan.

...PROMOTED ANG LOLO NINYO!
ANG SAYA-SAYA!

then, we shook hands. and i knew, i really looked stupid.
hindi maipinta ang mukha ko.
pigil ang ngiti. nag-u-umapaw ang saya at lukso ng puso.
gusto kong sumigaw. pero gusto ko ma-retain ang poise ko.
i was just so overwhelmed.. at wala akong masabi.

me: "clark, salamat po.. i just couldn't think of anything to say.
that is kung kailangan ngang sabihin. pero salamat salamat salamat."

the conversation went on for 5 minutes or so more about the performance evaluation and other promotion-related stuff.
and when i went back to my cubicle, i was really teary-eyed.

these are the days of our lives.

*****

anyway, it's just a mere change in title.
i'll still continue to assume the same team roles and responsibilities.
but, since i'm a senior programmer now, they'll be expecting more from me.
well, i just hope i get a fat raise this september.
salary letters will be out by the last week of august.

o well, i don't have to think about it right now.
i just need to savor the moment.

thank you Lord for this wonderful blessing.
sobrang salamat po.

REV, ANG GALING MO! CONGRATULATIONS DUDE!
YOU EFFIN WORKHORSE!
DON'T LOSE STEAM.
KEEP IT UP.

"Be sure to sugarcoat your words in case you have to eat them later."

i guess i still haven't forgiven myself.
i am beginning to think again that i'm going to bear the brunt of those dark episodes forever.
the things i wish i did not do.
the catastrophe that i made and was a part of.

it's been a couple years now.
pretty quiet and seemingly peaceful.
maybe the distance and the non-interaction make me think so.
but, no matter how hard i try to pick up what's left of me, to move on and start anew..
something inside nags me into thinking i can never escape from the things i've been.
so much for the immaturities, stupidities and lapses in judgment.

do i really need that closure?
or is this just the disillusionment encore?

i like to believe that man is never consumed in just one of his actions.
we are creatures of constant progress.
i want to convince myself that i can and will still be able to redeem myself.

but i cant always expect others to be that kind.
accepting.
forgiving.
again.
ever.

it's never gonna be easy.
i have no right to demand for a chance.
i lost it and i don't deserve a second one.
i guess this is the punishment i need to drown in remorse and kill myself with guilt.
a part of me now doesn't want to look back. just forget about it all.
leave the things and people that i love and have been a part of my life -- maybe it would be for the best.
(and please don't misconstrue this as self-indulging messiahism.)

i am a sociopath.
i am a destroyer.
i am not worthy.

who would want the evil incarnate?
in the silences and shadows, i must dwell.

run away.
far from here.
far from the ghosts.

i am sorry.

NAKAKATAKOT ANG BUHAY.

hindi natin alam kung kelan tayo mamatay.

hindi rin natin alam kung lahat ba ng kaibigan ay maaasahan...

pero ang higit kong kinakatakutan ay...

KAPAG NAG-BACKLESS SI IMANG! :)

i want to share to you folks some of the best cuts from my pop singing class cd...
and i apologize to my classmates, if i do this without your consent. :)

here goes the first one: SHE WILL BE LOVED.
(scroll down to the bottom of the page and then click on the "Free" button.
you will be then taken to the actual download page where you wait for a couple of secs before the download link appears.
then right click on the link and choose "Save Target As".)

originally done by Maroon 5, this track is performed by a classmate who happens to be the vocalist of his band.
well, i don't know where he is right now after he's resigned from the company.
maybe he's gone full-swing with pursuing a musical career.
anyway, this is going to be up for only 2 weeks. so download it now!

hey! if it won't be too much, post your thoughts about the song.
and if you want more stuff, a few nudging won't hurt. just let me know. :)

anak ng tokwa.

bumangga ang ulo ko kanina sa jeep. ang lakas! ang sakit... nung una, inisip ko, ayos lang ako... nung bumaba ako ng jeep at sumakay ng trike papuntang ateneo, kinapa ko ang bumbunan ko...

MAY DUGO!
shet.

i'm serious... pootakte. ano ba namang araw to. pagdating ko sa admissions office ng ateneo, nakita ko sina ate kamille at ate mel, at naikwento ko ang umpog ko sa jeep. at dali-dali akong kinaladkad ni ate kams sa infirmary.at ayun, first aid... nilinis ang sugat. nilagyan ng betadine. nag-ice compress. hay... hindi ko talaga inexpect na magdudugo siya... tiningnan ako ni doc after 10 mins at sabi naman niya'y minor scratch lang naman. at binigyan ako ng midol (di ba pang-dysmenorrhea yun??)...

o well, the downside is MAY POKNAT NA AKO!
fudge. di na ako puede magpasemical! grrrrrrh...
anyway, salamat nga pala kay ate kamille sa tulong.
hay. o well, at least, i'm okay. pero medyo masakit pa rin ang ulo ko.

pati rin naman ang puso e. (but that's a another story... sa susunod na lang.)